Whether you feel like you're perennially single, have been through a bad divorce, or find yourself in a marriage where you don't feel connected anymore, there's a good chance you've distanced yourself at some point. And a recent analysis from the U.S. Census found that a lot of us have strategies for putting a lock on our hearts, as 43 percent of the population is unattached (that's 107 million single adults, FYI). Unfortunately, instead of protecting us from getting hurt, shutting down tends to create more of what we were trying to avoid—pain, heartache, and loneliness. So be wary of these seven signs that you've put your heart on lock-down, and learn how to open yourself back up to the possibility of a real romance.
Whether you feel like you're perennially single, have been through a bad divorce, or find yourself in a marriage where you don't feel connected anymore, there's a good chance you've distanced yourself at some point. And a recent analysis from the U.S. Census found that a lot of us have strategies for putting a lock on our hearts, as 43 percent of the population is unattached (that's 107 million single adults, FYI). Unfortunately, instead of protecting us from getting hurt, shutting down tends to create more of what we were trying to avoid—pain, heartache, and loneliness. So be wary of these seven signs that you've put your heart on lock-down, and learn how to open yourself back up to the possibility of a real romance.
You blame yourself for every relationship failure.
"The biggest way that women hurt themselves is by thinking, 'I deserved the pain,'" says relationship therapist Laura Berman, Ph.D., author of Quantum Love. It may not be those exact words, but phrases like "I'm not skinny enough," "I'm too old," or "I'm not a good enough wife" are common variations. As hard as it is to shove those thoughts aside, you have to—because everyone who wants to be in a great relationship deserves to be, says Berman. Therapy, written affirmations, and meditation can all help boost your self-esteem; you can even take a course designed specifically to help you open up. "Once you're aware of your worthiness and can stand on your own, you'll attract a whole new caliber of men into your dating sphere," or start to repair the relationship you're already in.
You're being a Negative Nancy.
Ever hear of the law of attraction? Basically, if you're dwelling on the ugly way things ended last time (a common coping mechanism), that mental focus isn't going to bring around many winners. "Our emotional state of mind impacts the energy in our bodies, which can act as a magnet or repellant to love," says Berman. "We attract people who are in the same emotional place, so if you're stuck in negative thought patterns, you'll create more bad experiences, lame dates, and lovers who won't show up for you." Instead, write down the needs and desires you felt were never fulfilled in your past relationships—and why—then talk about them with someone you trust. Writing will force you to dig deeper and figure out what the real issues are.
You keep doing the same thing and expect different results.
It may be the definition of insanity, but you're not crazy—sometimes it can take months (or years) to identify behavioral patterns...and even longer to change them. That said, if you seem to find love in all the wrong places (married men, deceptive men, men children), it might be time to reevaluate. Look at how you're usually meeting guys and the type you tend to go for, suggest Laura Lane and Angela Spera, authors of This is Why You're Single. "It'll help you pick up on patterns, then you can do something different—it's all trial and error." So if you're always using Tinder, try Bumble. Or if you're always going for tall blondes, say yes to the shorter brunette's invite. "After all, the only way to tell the difference between an egg white substitute and a truffle mushroom frittata is to try both," say Lane and Spera. And you never know who might surprise you—it's the basis for every rom-com for a reason, right?
You're stuck on past love.
We're going to give you some tough, judgment-free love: if you're still stalking your ex online—even if it's just once a month—you could be blocking handsome men from entering your life. "It sounds so obvious, but ridding yourself of remnants of your ex is tremendously helpful," say Lane and Spera. "Try not to see him for a long time (or only when you have to, if you have kids), block him on Facebook, unfollow his Instagram, and unsnap that chat. You may think you're following the friendly divorce trend by keeping social media lines open, but the less you know the easier it will be to move on." And while it's healthy and important to give yourself plenty of time to heal after a relationship ends, Lane and Spera say that "if your breakup occurred so long ago that there's an entirely new cast on Saturday Night Live, you're probably staying too long at the pity party." Try to get back out there with these post-divorce dating rules.
You aren't willing to show your real self.
Do you clam up anytime your partner asks about your childhood, or head straight to your fave comfort foods after a fight? That's called staying in your emotional comfort zone and avoiding your raw emotions—and Berman says it's dangerous. "When you refuse to be vulnerable, it says you're ashamed of your wants and needs," she says. "That creates walls between you and your partner, and he might start to close off as soon as he feels you doing it. Soon enough, you're both hiding behind brick walls, even when you're laying in bed right next to each other." The best way to deal is to rip the Band-Aid, which you can do in the presence of a therapist to help guide a productive conversation. That way he'll finally understand why certain things grind your gears (and vice versa) and you can talk about how to move forward openly.
You're unconsciously killing possible connections.
Whether you're coupled up or have been single since Obama took office (no judgment!), if you're not developing meaningful connections, you may be subconsciously—or even consciously—trying to squash them. "We avoid love in all sorts of ways, like finding ridiculous flaws or getting overly suspicious," says Berman. These strategies certainly protect you from pain, but they also make you miss out on emotional fulfillment. So rather than immediately picking a guy apart, give him a shot—a global survey from Time Out suggests six dates, or about a month, is a good place to start if you feel like the first few dates have gone well, as that's when couples usually decide whether or not to be exclusive (and you start to really see who they are, rather than the best-face-forward version).
You think you're too stressed or ambitious for a relationship.
Let's be real: You are stressed and ambitiou. But since falling in love—and staying that way—is a pretty high priority for most of us, it's important to realize you can balance love along with, well, life (look at Michelle Obama!). "If you're struggling to keep all of the balls in the air, talk to your guy about it—the right one will support your career and other aspects of life so that you feel 100 percent happy," say Lane and Spera. In other words, if you need to devote less energy to date night or have him tuck the kids in at night because you're gunning for a promotion, that's cool—just don't ditch them completely, and don't demand he do all the work. That tells your husband that re-connecting doesn't take priority and his opinions don't matter, which can build up his walls. Remember, "romance has just as much potential to bring lessons, richness, and adventure into your life as your dream job," says Berman, and if you sacrifice one for the other, you may find none of it was worth it in the end.
You blame yourself for every relationship failure.
"The biggest way that women hurt themselves is by thinking, 'I deserved the pain,'" says relationship therapist Laura Berman, Ph.D., author of Quantum Love. It may not be those exact words, but phrases like "I'm not skinny enough," "I'm too old," or "I'm not a good enough wife" are common variations. As hard as it is to shove those thoughts aside, you have to—because everyone who wants to be in a great relationship deserves to be, says Berman. Therapy, written affirmations, and meditation can all help boost your self-esteem; you can even take a course designed specifically to help you open up. "Once you're aware of your worthiness and can stand on your own, you'll attract a whole new caliber of men into your dating sphere," or start to repair the relationship you're already in.
You're being a Negative Nancy.
Ever hear of the law of attraction? Basically, if you're dwelling on the ugly way things ended last time (a common coping mechanism), that mental focus isn't going to bring around many winners. "Our emotional state of mind impacts the energy in our bodies, which can act as a magnet or repellant to love," says Berman. "We attract people who are in the same emotional place, so if you're stuck in negative thought patterns, you'll create more bad experiences, lame dates, and lovers who won't show up for you." Instead, write down the needs and desires you felt were never fulfilled in your past relationships—and why—then talk about them with someone you trust. Writing will force you to dig deeper and figure out what the real issues are.
You keep doing the same thing and expect different results.
It may be the definition of insanity, but you're not crazy—sometimes it can take months (or years) to identify behavioral patterns...and even longer to change them. That said, if you seem to find love in all the wrong places (married men, deceptive men, men children), it might be time to reevaluate. Look at how you're usually meeting guys and the type you tend to go for, suggest Laura Lane and Angela Spera, authors of This is Why You're Single. "It'll help you pick up on patterns, then you can do something different—it's all trial and error." So if you're always using Tinder, try Bumble. Or if you're always going for tall blondes, say yes to the shorter brunette's invite. "After all, the only way to tell the difference between an egg white substitute and a truffle mushroom frittata is to try both," say Lane and Spera. And you never know who might surprise you—it's the basis for every rom-com for a reason, right?
You're stuck on past love.
We're going to give you some tough, judgment-free love: if you're still stalking your ex online—even if it's just once a month—you could be blocking handsome men from entering your life. "It sounds so obvious, but ridding yourself of remnants of your ex is tremendously helpful," say Lane and Spera. "Try not to see him for a long time (or only when you have to, if you have kids), block him on Facebook, unfollow his Instagram, and unsnap that chat. You may think you're following the friendly divorce trend by keeping social media lines open, but the less you know the easier it will be to move on." And while it's healthy and important to give yourself plenty of time to heal after a relationship ends, Lane and Spera say that "if your breakup occurred so long ago that there's an entirely new cast on Saturday Night Live, you're probably staying too long at the pity party." Try to get back out there with these post-divorce dating rules.
You aren't willing to show your real self.
Do you clam up anytime your partner asks about your childhood, or head straight to your fave comfort foods after a fight? That's called staying in your emotional comfort zone and avoiding your raw emotions—and Berman says it's dangerous. "When you refuse to be vulnerable, it says you're ashamed of your wants and needs," she says. "That creates walls between you and your partner, and he might start to close off as soon as he feels you doing it. Soon enough, you're both hiding behind brick walls, even when you're laying in bed right next to each other." The best way to deal is to rip the Band-Aid, which you can do in the presence of a therapist to help guide a productive conversation. That way he'll finally understand why certain things grind your gears (and vice versa) and you can talk about how to move forward openly.
You're unconsciously killing possible connections.
Whether you're coupled up or have been single since Obama took office (no judgment!), if you're not developing meaningful connections, you may be subconsciously—or even consciously—trying to squash them. "We avoid love in all sorts of ways, like finding ridiculous flaws or getting overly suspicious," says Berman. These strategies certainly protect you from pain, but they also make you miss out on emotional fulfillment. So rather than immediately picking a guy apart, give him a shot—a global survey from Time Out suggests six dates, or about a month, is a good place to start if you feel like the first few dates have gone well, as that's when couples usually decide whether or not to be exclusive (and you start to really see who they are, rather than the best-face-forward version).
You think you're too stressed or ambitious for a relationship.
Let's be real: You are stressed and ambitiou. But since falling in love—and staying that way—is a pretty high priority for most of us, it's important to realize you can balance love along with, well, life (look at Michelle Obama!). "If you're struggling to keep all of the balls in the air, talk to your guy about it—the right one will support your career and other aspects of life so that you feel 100 percent happy," say Lane and Spera. In other words, if you need to devote less energy to date night or have him tuck the kids in at night because you're gunning for a promotion, that's cool—just don't ditch them completely, and don't demand he do all the work. That tells your husband that re-connecting doesn't take priority and his opinions don't matter, which can build up his walls. Remember, "romance has just as much potential to bring lessons, richness, and adventure into your life as your dream job," says Berman, and if you sacrifice one for the other, you may find none of it was worth it in the end.
Whether you feel like you're perennially single, have been through a bad divorce, or find yourself in a marriage where you don't feel connected anymore, there's a good chance you've distanced yourself at some point. And a recent analysis from the U.S. Census found that a lot of us have strategies for putting a lock on our hearts, as 43 percent of the population is unattached (that's 107 million single adults, FYI). Unfortunately, instead of protecting us from getting hurt, shutting down tends to create more of what we were trying to avoid—pain, heartache, and loneliness. So be wary of these seven signs that you've put your heart on lock-down, and learn how to open yourself back up to the possibility of a real romance.
You blame yourself for every relationship failure.
"The biggest way that women hurt themselves is by thinking, 'I deserved the pain,'" says relationship therapist Laura Berman, Ph.D., author of Quantum Love. It may not be those exact words, but phrases like "I'm not skinny enough," "I'm too old," or "I'm not a good enough wife" are common variations. As hard as it is to shove those thoughts aside, you have to—because everyone who wants to be in a great relationship deserves to be, says Berman. Therapy, written affirmations, and meditation can all help boost your self-esteem; you can even take a course designed specifically to help you open up. "Once you're aware of your worthiness and can stand on your own, you'll attract a whole new caliber of men into your dating sphere," or start to repair the relationship you're already in.
You're being a Negative Nancy.
Ever hear of the law of attraction? Basically, if you're dwelling on the ugly way things ended last time (a common coping mechanism), that mental focus isn't going to bring around many winners. "Our emotional state of mind impacts the energy in our bodies, which can act as a magnet or repellant to love," says Berman. "We attract people who are in the same emotional place, so if you're stuck in negative thought patterns, you'll create more bad experiences, lame dates, and lovers who won't show up for you." Instead, write down the needs and desires you felt were never fulfilled in your past relationships—and why—then talk about them with someone you trust. Writing will force you to dig deeper and figure out what the real issues are.
You keep doing the same thing and expect different results.
It may be the definition of insanity, but you're not crazy—sometimes it can take months (or years) to identify behavioral patterns...and even longer to change them. That said, if you seem to find love in all the wrong places (married men, deceptive men, men children), it might be time to reevaluate. Look at how you're usually meeting guys and the type you tend to go for, suggest Laura Lane and Angela Spera, authors of This is Why You're Single. "It'll help you pick up on patterns, then you can do something different—it's all trial and error." So if you're always using Tinder, try Bumble. Or if you're always going for tall blondes, say yes to the shorter brunette's invite. "After all, the only way to tell the difference between an egg white substitute and a truffle mushroom frittata is to try both," say Lane and Spera. And you never know who might surprise you—it's the basis for every rom-com for a reason, right?
You're stuck on past love.
We're going to give you some tough, judgment-free love: if you're still stalking your ex online—even if it's just once a month—you could be blocking handsome men from entering your life. "It sounds so obvious, but ridding yourself of remnants of your ex is tremendously helpful," say Lane and Spera. "Try not to see him for a long time (or only when you have to, if you have kids), block him on Facebook, unfollow his Instagram, and unsnap that chat. You may think you're following the friendly divorce trend by keeping social media lines open, but the less you know the easier it will be to move on." And while it's healthy and important to give yourself plenty of time to heal after a relationship ends, Lane and Spera say that "if your breakup occurred so long ago that there's an entirely new cast on Saturday Night Live, you're probably staying too long at the pity party." Try to get back out there with these post-divorce dating rules.
You aren't willing to show your real self.
Do you clam up anytime your partner asks about your childhood, or head straight to your fave comfort foods after a fight? That's called staying in your emotional comfort zone and avoiding your raw emotions—and Berman says it's dangerous. "When you refuse to be vulnerable, it says you're ashamed of your wants and needs," she says. "That creates walls between you and your partner, and he might start to close off as soon as he feels you doing it. Soon enough, you're both hiding behind brick walls, even when you're laying in bed right next to each other." The best way to deal is to rip the Band-Aid, which you can do in the presence of a therapist to help guide a productive conversation. That way he'll finally understand why certain things grind your gears (and vice versa) and you can talk about how to move forward openly.
You're unconsciously killing possible connections.
Whether you're coupled up or have been single since Obama took office (no judgment!), if you're not developing meaningful connections, you may be subconsciously—or even consciously—trying to squash them. "We avoid love in all sorts of ways, like finding ridiculous flaws or getting overly suspicious," says Berman. These strategies certainly protect you from pain, but they also make you miss out on emotional fulfillment. So rather than immediately picking a guy apart, give him a shot—a global survey from Time Out suggests six dates, or about a month, is a good place to start if you feel like the first few dates have gone well, as that's when couples usually decide whether or not to be exclusive (and you start to really see who they are, rather than the best-face-forward version).
Whether you feel like you're perennially single, have been through a bad divorce, or find yourself in a marriage where you don't feel connected anymore, there's a good chance you've distanced yourself at some point. And a recent analysis from the U.S. Census found that a lot of us have strategies for putting a lock on our hearts, as 43 percent of the population is unattached (that's 107 million single adults, FYI). Unfortunately, instead of protecting us from getting hurt, shutting down tends to create more of what we were trying to avoid—pain, heartache, and loneliness. So be wary of these seven signs that you've put your heart on lock-down, and learn how to open yourself back up to the possibility of a real romance.
Whether you feel like you're perennially single, have been through a bad divorce, or find yourself in a marriage where you don't feel connected anymore, there's a good chance you've distanced yourself at some point. And a recent analysis from the U.S. Census found that a lot of us have strategies for putting a lock on our hearts, as 43 percent of the population is unattached (that's 107 million single adults, FYI). Unfortunately, instead of protecting us from getting hurt, shutting down tends to create more of what we were trying to avoid—pain, heartache, and loneliness. So be wary of these seven signs that you've put your heart on lock-down, and learn how to open yourself back up to the possibility of a real romance.
You blame yourself for every relationship failure.
"The biggest way that women hurt themselves is by thinking, 'I deserved the pain,'" says relationship therapist Laura Berman, Ph.D., author of Quantum Love. It may not be those exact words, but phrases like "I'm not skinny enough," "I'm too old," or "I'm not a good enough wife" are common variations. As hard as it is to shove those thoughts aside, you have to—because everyone who wants to be in a great relationship deserves to be, says Berman. Therapy, written affirmations, and meditation can all help boost your self-esteem; you can even take a course designed specifically to help you open up. "Once you're aware of your worthiness and can stand on your own, you'll attract a whole new caliber of men into your dating sphere," or start to repair the relationship you're already in.
You're being a Negative Nancy.
Ever hear of the law of attraction? Basically, if you're dwelling on the ugly way things ended last time (a common coping mechanism), that mental focus isn't going to bring around many winners. "Our emotional state of mind impacts the energy in our bodies, which can act as a magnet or repellant to love," says Berman. "We attract people who are in the same emotional place, so if you're stuck in negative thought patterns, you'll create more bad experiences, lame dates, and lovers who won't show up for you." Instead, write down the needs and desires you felt were never fulfilled in your past relationships—and why—then talk about them with someone you trust. Writing will force you to dig deeper and figure out what the real issues are.
You keep doing the same thing and expect different results.
It may be the definition of insanity, but you're not crazy—sometimes it can take months (or years) to identify behavioral patterns...and even longer to change them. That said, if you seem to find love in all the wrong places (married men, deceptive men, men children), it might be time to reevaluate. Look at how you're usually meeting guys and the type you tend to go for, suggest Laura Lane and Angela Spera, authors of This is Why You're Single. "It'll help you pick up on patterns, then you can do something different—it's all trial and error." So if you're always using Tinder, try Bumble. Or if you're always going for tall blondes, say yes to the shorter brunette's invite. "After all, the only way to tell the difference between an egg white substitute and a truffle mushroom frittata is to try both," say Lane and Spera. And you never know who might surprise you—it's the basis for every rom-com for a reason, right?
You're stuck on past love.
We're going to give you some tough, judgment-free love: if you're still stalking your ex online—even if it's just once a month—you could be blocking handsome men from entering your life. "It sounds so obvious, but ridding yourself of remnants of your ex is tremendously helpful," say Lane and Spera. "Try not to see him for a long time (or only when you have to, if you have kids), block him on Facebook, unfollow his Instagram, and unsnap that chat. You may think you're following the friendly divorce trend by keeping social media lines open, but the less you know the easier it will be to move on." And while it's healthy and important to give yourself plenty of time to heal after a relationship ends, Lane and Spera say that "if your breakup occurred so long ago that there's an entirely new cast on Saturday Night Live, you're probably staying too long at the pity party." Try to get back out there with these post-divorce dating rules.
You aren't willing to show your real self.
Do you clam up anytime your partner asks about your childhood, or head straight to your fave comfort foods after a fight? That's called staying in your emotional comfort zone and avoiding your raw emotions—and Berman says it's dangerous. "When you refuse to be vulnerable, it says you're ashamed of your wants and needs," she says. "That creates walls between you and your partner, and he might start to close off as soon as he feels you doing it. Soon enough, you're both hiding behind brick walls, even when you're laying in bed right next to each other." The best way to deal is to rip the Band-Aid, which you can do in the presence of a therapist to help guide a productive conversation. That way he'll finally understand why certain things grind your gears (and vice versa) and you can talk about how to move forward openly.
You're unconsciously killing possible connections.
Whether you're coupled up or have been single since Obama took office (no judgment!), if you're not developing meaningful connections, you may be subconsciously—or even consciously—trying to squash them. "We avoid love in all sorts of ways, like finding ridiculous flaws or getting overly suspicious," says Berman. These strategies certainly protect you from pain, but they also make you miss out on emotional fulfillment. So rather than immediately picking a guy apart, give him a shot—a global survey from Time Out suggests six dates, or about a month, is a good place to start if you feel like the first few dates have gone well, as that's when couples usually decide whether or not to be exclusive (and you start to really see who they are, rather than the best-face-forward version).
You think you're too stressed or ambitious for a relationship.
Let's be real: You are stressed and ambitiou. But since falling in love—and staying that way—is a pretty high priority for most of us, it's important to realize you can balance love along with, well, life (look at Michelle Obama!). "If you're struggling to keep all of the balls in the air, talk to your guy about it—the right one will support your career and other aspects of life so that you feel 100 percent happy," say Lane and Spera. In other words, if you need to devote less energy to date night or have him tuck the kids in at night because you're gunning for a promotion, that's cool—just don't ditch them completely, and don't demand he do all the work. That tells your husband that re-connecting doesn't take priority and his opinions don't matter, which can build up his walls. Remember, "romance has just as much potential to bring lessons, richness, and adventure into your life as your dream job," says Berman, and if you sacrifice one for the other, you may find none of it was worth it in the end.
You blame yourself for every relationship failure.
"The biggest way that women hurt themselves is by thinking, 'I deserved the pain,'" says relationship therapist Laura Berman, Ph.D., author of Quantum Love. It may not be those exact words, but phrases like "I'm not skinny enough," "I'm too old," or "I'm not a good enough wife" are common variations. As hard as it is to shove those thoughts aside, you have to—because everyone who wants to be in a great relationship deserves to be, says Berman. Therapy, written affirmations, and meditation can all help boost your self-esteem; you can even take a course designed specifically to help you open up. "Once you're aware of your worthiness and can stand on your own, you'll attract a whole new caliber of men into your dating sphere," or start to repair the relationship you're already in.
You're being a Negative Nancy.
Ever hear of the law of attraction? Basically, if you're dwelling on the ugly way things ended last time (a common coping mechanism), that mental focus isn't going to bring around many winners. "Our emotional state of mind impacts the energy in our bodies, which can act as a magnet or repellant to love," says Berman. "We attract people who are in the same emotional place, so if you're stuck in negative thought patterns, you'll create more bad experiences, lame dates, and lovers who won't show up for you." Instead, write down the needs and desires you felt were never fulfilled in your past relationships—and why—then talk about them with someone you trust. Writing will force you to dig deeper and figure out what the real issues are.
You keep doing the same thing and expect different results.
It may be the definition of insanity, but you're not crazy—sometimes it can take months (or years) to identify behavioral patterns...and even longer to change them. That said, if you seem to find love in all the wrong places (married men, deceptive men, men children), it might be time to reevaluate. Look at how you're usually meeting guys and the type you tend to go for, suggest Laura Lane and Angela Spera, authors of This is Why You're Single. "It'll help you pick up on patterns, then you can do something different—it's all trial and error." So if you're always using Tinder, try Bumble. Or if you're always going for tall blondes, say yes to the shorter brunette's invite. "After all, the only way to tell the difference between an egg white substitute and a truffle mushroom frittata is to try both," say Lane and Spera. And you never know who might surprise you—it's the basis for every rom-com for a reason, right?
You're stuck on past love.
We're going to give you some tough, judgment-free love: if you're still stalking your ex online—even if it's just once a month—you could be blocking handsome men from entering your life. "It sounds so obvious, but ridding yourself of remnants of your ex is tremendously helpful," say Lane and Spera. "Try not to see him for a long time (or only when you have to, if you have kids), block him on Facebook, unfollow his Instagram, and unsnap that chat. You may think you're following the friendly divorce trend by keeping social media lines open, but the less you know the easier it will be to move on." And while it's healthy and important to give yourself plenty of time to heal after a relationship ends, Lane and Spera say that "if your breakup occurred so long ago that there's an entirely new cast on Saturday Night Live, you're probably staying too long at the pity party." Try to get back out there with these post-divorce dating rules.
You aren't willing to show your real self.
Do you clam up anytime your partner asks about your childhood, or head straight to your fave comfort foods after a fight? That's called staying in your emotional comfort zone and avoiding your raw emotions—and Berman says it's dangerous. "When you refuse to be vulnerable, it says you're ashamed of your wants and needs," she says. "That creates walls between you and your partner, and he might start to close off as soon as he feels you doing it. Soon enough, you're both hiding behind brick walls, even when you're laying in bed right next to each other." The best way to deal is to rip the Band-Aid, which you can do in the presence of a therapist to help guide a productive conversation. That way he'll finally understand why certain things grind your gears (and vice versa) and you can talk about how to move forward openly.
Whether you feel like you're perennially single, have been through a bad divorce, or find yourself in a marriage where you don't feel connected anymore, there's a good chance you've distanced yourself at some point. And a recent analysis from the U.S. Census found that a lot of us have strategies for putting a lock on our hearts, as 43 percent of the population is unattached (that's 107 million single adults, FYI). Unfortunately, instead of protecting us from getting hurt, shutting down tends to create more of what we were trying to avoid—pain, heartache, and loneliness. So be wary of these seven signs that you've put your heart on lock-down, and learn how to open yourself back up to the possibility of a real romance.
You blame yourself for every relationship failure.
"The biggest way that women hurt themselves is by thinking, 'I deserved the pain,'" says relationship therapist Laura Berman, Ph.D., author of Quantum Love. It may not be those exact words, but phrases like "I'm not skinny enough," "I'm too old," or "I'm not a good enough wife" are common variations. As hard as it is to shove those thoughts aside, you have to—because everyone who wants to be in a great relationship deserves to be, says Berman. Therapy, written affirmations, and meditation can all help boost your self-esteem; you can even take a course designed specifically to help you open up. "Once you're aware of your worthiness and can stand on your own, you'll attract a whole new caliber of men into your dating sphere," or start to repair the relationship you're already in.
You're being a Negative Nancy.
Ever hear of the law of attraction? Basically, if you're dwelling on the ugly way things ended last time (a common coping mechanism), that mental focus isn't going to bring around many winners. "Our emotional state of mind impacts the energy in our bodies, which can act as a magnet or repellant to love," says Berman. "We attract people who are in the same emotional place, so if you're stuck in negative thought patterns, you'll create more bad experiences, lame dates, and lovers who won't show up for you." Instead, write down the needs and desires you felt were never fulfilled in your past relationships—and why—then talk about them with someone you trust. Writing will force you to dig deeper and figure out what the real issues are.
You keep doing the same thing and expect different results.
It may be the definition of insanity, but you're not crazy—sometimes it can take months (or years) to identify behavioral patterns...and even longer to change them. That said, if you seem to find love in all the wrong places (married men, deceptive men, men children), it might be time to reevaluate. Look at how you're usually meeting guys and the type you tend to go for, suggest Laura Lane and Angela Spera, authors of This is Why You're Single. "It'll help you pick up on patterns, then you can do something different—it's all trial and error." So if you're always using Tinder, try Bumble. Or if you're always going for tall blondes, say yes to the shorter brunette's invite. "After all, the only way to tell the difference between an egg white substitute and a truffle mushroom frittata is to try both," say Lane and Spera. And you never know who might surprise you—it's the basis for every rom-com for a reason, right?
You're stuck on past love.
We're going to give you some tough, judgment-free love: if you're still stalking your ex online—even if it's just once a month—you could be blocking handsome men from entering your life. "It sounds so obvious, but ridding yourself of remnants of your ex is tremendously helpful," say Lane and Spera. "Try not to see him for a long time (or only when you have to, if you have kids), block him on Facebook, unfollow his Instagram, and unsnap that chat. You may think you're following the friendly divorce trend by keeping social media lines open, but the less you know the easier it will be to move on." And while it's healthy and important to give yourself plenty of time to heal after a relationship ends, Lane and Spera say that "if your breakup occurred so long ago that there's an entirely new cast on Saturday Night Live, you're probably staying too long at the pity party." Try to get back out there with these post-divorce dating rules.
You aren't willing to show your real self.
Do you clam up anytime your partner asks about your childhood, or head straight to your fave comfort foods after a fight? That's called staying in your emotional comfort zone and avoiding your raw emotions—and Berman says it's dangerous. "When you refuse to be vulnerable, it says you're ashamed of your wants and needs," she says. "That creates walls between you and your partner, and he might start to close off as soon as he feels you doing it. Soon enough, you're both hiding behind brick walls, even when you're laying in bed right next to each other." The best way to deal is to rip the Band-Aid, which you can do in the presence of a therapist to help guide a productive conversation. That way he'll finally understand why certain things grind your gears (and vice versa) and you can talk about how to move forward openly.
You're unconsciously killing possible connections.
Whether you're coupled up or have been single since Obama took office (no judgment!), if you're not developing meaningful connections, you may be subconsciously—or even consciously—trying to squash them. "We avoid love in all sorts of ways, like finding ridiculous flaws or getting overly suspicious," says Berman. These strategies certainly protect you from pain, but they also make you miss out on emotional fulfillment. So rather than immediately picking a guy apart, give him a shot—a global survey from Time Out suggests six dates, or about a month, is a good place to start if you feel like the first few dates have gone well, as that's when couples usually decide whether or not to be exclusive (and you start to really see who they are, rather than the best-face-forward version).
You think you're too stressed or ambitious for a relationship.
Let's be real: You are stressed and ambitiou. But since falling in love—and staying that way—is a pretty high priority for most of us, it's important to realize you can balance love along with, well, life (look at Michelle Obama!). "If you're struggling to keep all of the balls in the air, talk to your guy about it—the right one will support your career and other aspects of life so that you feel 100 percent happy," say Lane and Spera. In other words, if you need to devote less energy to date night or have him tuck the kids in at night because you're gunning for a promotion, that's cool—just don't ditch them completely, and don't demand he do all the work. That tells your husband that re-connecting doesn't take priority and his opinions don't matter, which can build up his walls. Remember, "romance has just as much potential to bring lessons, richness, and adventure into your life as your dream job," says Berman, and if you sacrifice one for the other, you may find none of it was worth it in the end.
You're unconsciously killing possible connections.
Whether you're coupled up or have been single since Obama took office (no judgment!), if you're not developing meaningful connections, you may be subconsciously—or even consciously—trying to squash them. "We avoid love in all sorts of ways, like finding ridiculous flaws or getting overly suspicious," says Berman. These strategies certainly protect you from pain, but they also make you miss out on emotional fulfillment. So rather than immediately picking a guy apart, give him a shot—a global survey from Time Out suggests six dates, or about a month, is a good place to start if you feel like the first few dates have gone well, as that's when couples usually decide whether or not to be exclusive (and you start to really see who they are, rather than the best-face-forward version).
You think you're too stressed or ambitious for a relationship.
Let's be real: You are stressed and ambitiou. But since falling in love—and staying that way—is a pretty high priority for most of us, it's important to realize you can balance love along with, well, life (look at Michelle Obama!). "If you're struggling to keep all of the balls in the air, talk to your guy about it—the right one will support your career and other aspects of life so that you feel 100 percent happy," say Lane and Spera. In other words, if you need to devote less energy to date night or have him tuck the kids in at night because you're gunning for a promotion, that's cool—just don't ditch them completely, and don't demand he do all the work. That tells your husband that re-connecting doesn't take priority and his opinions don't matter, which can build up his walls. Remember, "romance has just as much potential to bring lessons, richness, and adventure into your life as your dream job," says Berman, and if you sacrifice one for the other, you may find none of it was worth it in the end.
You think you're too stressed or ambitious for a relationship.
Let's be real: You are stressed and ambitiou. But since falling in love—and staying that way—is a pretty high priority for most of us, it's important to realize you can balance love along with, well, life (look at Michelle Obama!). "If you're struggling to keep all of the balls in the air, talk to your guy about it—the right one will support your career and other aspects of life so that you feel 100 percent happy," say Lane and Spera. In other words, if you need to devote less energy to date night or have him tuck the kids in at night because you're gunning for a promotion, that's cool—just don't ditch them completely, and don't demand he do all the work. That tells your husband that re-connecting doesn't take priority and his opinions don't matter, which can build up his walls. Remember, "romance has just as much potential to bring lessons, richness, and adventure into your life as your dream job," says Berman, and if you sacrifice one for the other, you may find none of it was worth it in the end.