Whether you feel like you're perennially single, have been through a bad divorce, or find yourself in a marriage where you don't feel connected anymore, there's a good chance you've distanced yourself at some point. And a recent analysis from the U.S. Census found that a lot of us have strategies for putting a lock on our hearts, as 43 percent of the population is unattached (that's 107 million single adults, FYI). Unfortunately, instead of protecting us from getting hurt, shutting down tends to create more of what we were trying to avoid—pain, heartache, and loneliness. So be wary of these seven signs that you've put your heart on lock-down, and learn how to open yourself back up to the possibility of a real romance.
You blame yourself
for every relationship failure.
"The biggest way that women hurt
themselves is by thinking, 'I deserved the pain,'" says relationship
therapist Laura Berman, Ph.D., author of Quantum Love. It may not be those
exact words, but phrases like "I'm not skinny enough," "I'm too
old," or "I'm not a good enough wife" are common variations. As
hard as it is to shove those thoughts aside, you have to—because everyone who wants to be in a great relationship deserves to be, says
Berman. Therapy, written affirmations, and meditation can all help boost your self-esteem;
you can even take a course designed specifically to help you open
up. "Once you're aware of your worthiness and can stand on your own,
you'll attract a whole new caliber of men into your dating
sphere," or start to repair the relationship you're already in.
You're being a
Negative Nancy.
Ever hear of the law of attraction?
Basically, if you're dwelling on the ugly way things ended last time (a common coping mechanism),
that mental focus isn't going to bring around many winners. "Our emotional
state of mind impacts the energy in our bodies, which can act as a magnet or
repellant to love," says Berman. "We attract people who are in the
same emotional place, so if you're stuck in negative thought patterns, you'll
create more bad experiences, lame dates, and lovers who won't show up for
you." Instead, write down the needs and desires you felt were never
fulfilled in your past relationships—and why—then talk about them with someone
you trust. Writing will force you to dig deeper and figure out what the real
issues are.
You keep doing the
same thing and expect different results.
It may be the definition of insanity,
but you're not crazy—sometimes it can take months (or years) to identify
behavioral patterns...and even longer to change them. That said, if you seem to
find love in all the wrong places (married men,
deceptive men, men children), it might be time to reevaluate. Look at how
you're usually meeting guys and the type you tend to go for, suggest Laura Lane
and Angela Spera, authors of This is Why
You're Single. "It'll help you pick up on patterns, then
you can do something different—it's all trial and error." So if you're
always using Tinder, try Bumble. Or if you're always going for tall blondes,
say yes to the shorter brunette's invite. "After all, the only way to tell
the difference between an egg white substitute and a truffle mushroom frittata
is to try both," say Lane and Spera. And you never know who might surprise
you—it's the basis for every rom-com for a reason, right?
You're stuck on
past love.
We're going to give you some tough,
judgment-free love: if you're still stalking your ex online—even if it's just
once a month—you could be blocking handsome men from entering your life.
"It sounds so obvious, but ridding yourself of remnants of your ex is
tremendously helpful," say Lane and Spera. "Try not to see him for a
long time (or only when you have to, if you have kids), block him on Facebook,
unfollow his Instagram, and unsnap that chat. You may think you're following
the friendly divorce trend by keeping social
media lines open, but the less you know the easier it will be to move on."
And while it's healthy and important to give yourself plenty of time to heal
after a relationship ends, Lane and Spera say that "if your breakup
occurred so long ago that there's an entirely new cast on Saturday Night Live, you're probably staying too long at
the pity party." Try to get back out there with these post-divorce dating rules.
You aren't willing
to show your real self.
Do you clam up anytime your partner
asks about your childhood, or head straight to your fave comfort foods after a fight? That's
called staying in your emotional comfort zone and avoiding your raw
emotions—and Berman says it's dangerous. "When you refuse to be
vulnerable, it says you're ashamed of your wants and needs," she says.
"That creates walls between you and your partner, and he might start to
close off as soon as he feels you doing it. Soon enough, you're both hiding
behind brick walls, even when you're laying in bed right next to each
other." The best way to deal is to rip the Band-Aid, which you can do in the presence of a therapist to help guide a productive conversation. That way he'll finally
understand why certain things grind your gears (and vice versa) and you can
talk about how to move forward openly.
You're
unconsciously killing possible connections.
Whether you're coupled up or have been
single since Obama took office (no judgment!), if you're not developing
meaningful connections, you may be subconsciously—or even consciously—trying to
squash them. "We avoid love in all sorts of ways, like finding ridiculous
flaws or getting overly suspicious," says Berman. These strategies
certainly protect you from pain, but they also make you miss out on emotional
fulfillment. So rather than immediately picking a guy apart, give him a shot—a global survey from Time Out suggests six dates,
or about a month, is a good place to start if you feel like the first few dates
have gone well, as that's when couples usually decide whether or not to be
exclusive (and you start to really see who they are, rather than the
best-face-forward version).
You think you're
too stressed or ambitious for a relationship.
Let's be real: You are stressed and ambitiou. But since falling in
love—and staying that way—is a pretty high priority for most of us, it's
important to realize you can balance love along with, well, life (look at
Michelle Obama!). "If you're struggling to keep all of the balls in the
air, talk to your guy about it—the right one will support your career and other
aspects of life so that you feel 100 percent happy," say Lane and Spera.
In other words, if you need to devote less energy to date night or have him tuck the kids in at night
because you're gunning for a promotion, that's cool—just don't ditch them
completely, and don't demand he do all the work.
That tells your husband that re-connecting doesn't take priority and his
opinions don't matter, which can build up his walls. Remember, "romance
has just as much potential to bring lessons, richness, and adventure into your
life as your dream job," says Berman, and if you sacrifice one for the
other, you may find none of it was worth it in the end.